For my Amy

from The Dream

Love is not love until love's vulnerable.

She slowed to sigh, in that long interval.

A small bird flew in circles where she stood;

A deer came down, out of the dappled wood.

All who remember, doubt. Who calls that strange?

I tossed a stone, and listened to its plunge.

She knew the grammar of least motion,

She taught me one virtue, and I live thereby.

She held her body steady in the wind;

Our shadows met, and slowly swung around;

She turned the field into a glittering sea;

I played in flame and water like a boy

And I swayed out beyond the white seafoam;

Like a wet log, I sang within a flame.

In that last while, eternity's confine,

I came to love, I came into my own.

-Theodore Roethke

Question for leaders

As a potential leader, there are many questions that could be asked to determine your capability or capacity. The one I've never heard is this:

Aside from the people you've led and/or directed...of all the people you've mentored, who are you the most proud of?

It's my bet that many so-called leaders would be caught off-guard by this question because, in their quest to achieve personal goals and improve themselves, the notion of mentoring probably never caught their attention.

Begin

I started a new job this week.

I have Australia to thank.

I forgot how the cleansing and inspiring feeling of starting a new job can feel. 8 years is too long for me to stay with a company. I know my generation gets crap for "job-hopping", and for awhile, I was determined to buck that trend and be a gen-x'er that didn't change jobs every 18 months. Well I've proven I can stick it out and don't just look for a new job so I don't have to deal with the long term mess I've created. Spent 5 years at one company, almost 7 at the next, and part of my brand was to consistently leave things in better shape than I found them.

So now on to the next challenge.

Like the subject of the Australia excursion, this is a small operation trying to deploy a major software system. Except this time, it's not to enable a mainframe to be shut down, its to position themselves for growth. Additionally, they don't have huge corporate resources to tap into...they are on their own, relatively speaking. Which means them investing in me is not a trivial decision. It also means I can't call in airstrikes if things get too dicey. They expect me to deliver and be 100% accountable, unlike my old company, which was big and unwieldy but could afford a wide margin of error. No, this is the real deal, but the type of challenge I am discovering I am drawn to.

1 month into the job I'm discovering the principles of project management apply pretty much the same, but the principles of politics are magnified 10 fold. Fortunately, I'm good at the politics part, always have been. But this situation puts a a premium on the currency of results, which are universal. That's a healthy environment for me.

So far, it has been a near-perfect engagement. This is what I do well. This is what I want to do, going forward. Adding value, saving money, and providing the expertise that small and mid-sized companies need to grow and compete with the oversized, bloated industry leaders.

In hindsight, I do not favor the established Wall Street darlings, but I do admire what they have accomplished, at least while they were still owned by their principles. I do not favor the companies that are so big that they are simply extensions of the government they are in bed with. I do not favor the companies that have lost their founding vision, and I certainly do not believe in the east coast establishment. I do not believe in the ones that ask for "sacrifice" or "service" in this time of recession, for pay cuts and benefit reductions. For 10-400 million dollars a year, I expect all of you to predict a recession and plan accordingly. To quote Ayn Rand, "The man who speaks to you of sacrifice is speaking of slaves and masters, and intends to be the master". Dear Fortune 50 CEO's: For 10-400 million dollars a year, I expect you to predict the future. So, if you had to lay off anyone due to your lack of planning for the recession, you should be fired for incompetence.

Small business thinks differently, and they are closer to the tangible fundamentals that matter. Want to know why America has "lost" its business edge? Look to Wall Street and the artificial rules they have implied (through consolidation and acquisitions) to Main Street. Look at any company with a proper noun in it's name and see if they are still running the company. Ford, Hewlett-Packard, Sperry, Garrett, Bendix, Westinghouse, Heinz, etc. Sold out? That's NOT where I want to be. Eventually, however, I'd like to take the lessons I learn back to big business, if only to remind them how disconnected and inflexible they've become.

I recently came across a fairly large company that didn't do what everyone else did during its industry boom a few years ago. Their approach was, "Yeah, we could gouge our clients like out bigger competitors, but we value the relationship. And we want to be remembered when this boom dies down." Well they have been, but the principals of their less-ethical competitors were still rewarded, and are probably retired and laughing now. That is something that is very wrong with the system we live in. Reward for short-term, non-sustainable gain needs to be taxed at 99% and the proceeds need to go back to public programs and the small and mid-business that are genuinely trying to do things better. No one should be rewarded or protected for simply being the biggest or the strongest. A tax structure that protects the biggest or strongest simply for the status quo is unjust and wrong, and should be challenged, changed or overthrown.

I hate to see the "establishment" win. I hate to see the same old thing produce the same old results and come out on top. That indicates a lull in evolution while someone has a temporary advantage. An advantage should be fleeting and real, not lucky and protected. For example, I hate to see old-school college football programs win using old-school techniques and formations. I love it when the Oregons and Boise States and BYU's and TCU's of the world win. They don't have the good ol' boys network to rely on, yet they STILL beat the "best of the best". Take Boise St. vs. Oklahoma in the 2007 Fiesta Bowl.

The little guys may not win all the time, but they should be given the preferential opportunity every time. They should not have to fight for equal treatment. They should not have to "respect the uniform" of the Ohio States of the world. They should have a place at the table based on their results alone, and if they perform, should be rewarded. If they get creamed, they should go back to the drawing board, but the established winner should not be accoladed any more. The bottom line is, when the "big guy" wins, it is always with additional, inequitable resources...where's the honor in that?

My course does not overly respect the veneer of tradition or the authority of experience. I've seen "30 years of experience" simply represent 1 year of repeated lucky experience (times 30) too many times to put too much credence in just time.

Results are what matters, not "results".

Anybody on top can produce "results". It takes a real producer, a real competitor, to produce real Results.

And that's where I want to be. Recognized and rewarded for producing actual value, actual Results with a capital R, and not for doing what a billion other monkeys could do, if only given the chance. If you suspect you are a monkey, if you suspect you are just lucky and in the right place at the right time...you probably are. On the other hand, if you can clearly articulate your value proposition, every minute of every day, and it doesn't get stale, then you are a true contributor and not just feeding off the fears of the powerful but ignorant. I cannot feed off the trough of corporate waste. Employment there is like eating McDonalds for every meal. Sustaining and good on the surface, but deadly in the long run.

So begins my new enlightened approach. Will I be tempted to suckle on the corporate teat again? Sure. But knowing is half the battle...and now I know what to avoid, just like after reading that first book on nutrition. I know what lasting value is, what it feels like, and when it's being cheaply substituted for short term gain. Australia woke me to something I've known all along...If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, then it probably is a duck. (Aussies have a way of cutting thru the BS that I admire) So far it has done me well. I am reminded of a quote that is permanently affixed to the refrigerator..."Be bold, free, and truthful." - Brenda Ueland

And thus, I begin.

Next

I quit my job this week.

I have Australia to blame...no, thank.

In almost 8 years at my company, I learned how to apply every aspect of what I learned in school and in my previous jobs. In other words, I learned how to push paper, check boxes, and say the right thing, to the right people at the right time. But what I couldn't escape, and what bothered me, was the fact that I got paid, every two weeks, regardless of what I did. I could work 10 hours a week or 80, and I'd get the same check.

I like working 80 hours a week. As long as I'm compensated for them, and they mean something. This thought caused me to delve deeper into what I was doing with my career, and more importantly, with my life.

While I was in Australia, I had purpose. I worked hard. I knew if I missed a day, I would be missed. I had a clear objective, and I put my career on the line to achieve that objective. It was a tough one. It was a classic underdog situation. Deploy this system, in a fraction of the time with a fraction of the resources usually available for a project like this. And I did it. I nailed it. I spent only 66% of the budget I was given, and I did it on the date I said I would. It was the most satisfying project I had worked on since my first two years with the company.

Then I came home.

Back to the grind. Back to approving expense reports, reviewing proposals, creating documents that are never read, and coaching the 7 other people on my team on how to do the same thing. Back to leading a team that with one exception, didn't even work in my city. Back to endless virtual (online) meetings where decisions were made and never followed through on. Back to reviewing decisions made 2 years prior and re-hashing the same excuses for why development was delayed. Back to raising a red flag and being told "shhhh! We need to maintain our relationship with our preferred (offshore) vendor!" Really? I questioned them charging us 25K to change 2 lines of code! "Shhhh! Just go back to pushing paper!" Back to working with people that had mastered the system, but were clueless when it came to actually getting results. "Oh, missed another deadline? Well, it was much harder than we thought. We should push the date back. My team is working hard, but it's just soooo hard." And when their director and VP BACK THEM UP, despite clear plans and deadlines that were agreed to...and prove to be just as spineless and slippery...

Really?

I could play the game. Heck, I've done it myself. I know how it works. In a salaried, institutional world, it's first about protecting your back, then protecting your boss' back, then your employees...then, if you have some time, actually doing something. Government employees understand this game well. Unfortunately, it extends beyond just government. I think most large, established companies...after working almost 12 years for 2 of the Dow Jones companies...are no better or efficient than the government that they are in bed with. When we look at government wastefulness and inefficiency, we should also include in the same breath the big businesses they have "bailed out". They are just as incompetent.

So I quit. I'd had enough. Bold move? Absolutely, especially with no real job prospects already lined up. But I like to think fortune favors the bold. And there was a sort of chuckling satisfaction, during my exit interview, as I informed the HR representative why I left and that I didn't have a job lined up. I just didn't want to work there anymore, and damned be the consequences.

I've pulled some pretty gutsy moves in the past, and this has to rank up there with the gutsiest.

But I have that same feeling of peace, that same feeling of purpose, that I have had in the most lucent moments of inspiration in my life. This is no different. Life is about to change drastically, again, and I'm just going to ride that wave until the gods put me on the shore I'm meant to be on.

It's an extension of the core concept I have come to internalize these last few years:

Be what you are, and do what you say.

Metaphorical tangent...Chemicals and compounds, are a result of a complex set of sub-atomic interactions that occur under certain circumstances. The most stable compounds are the ones that occur naturally, or are ideally suited for the environment they exist in. I'm still not 100% sure what I am, but Argon and even enriched Uranium have a purpose.

My purpose is evolving, but I'm pretty sure I've got a handle on it. I know what I'm good at. I know what I suck at. In fact, I almost think I'm ready to decide on what I want to do when I grow up. And money doesn't matter anymore. I've run the educational and institutional gauntlet. I've lived the dream, had the giant house and nice cars and lots of disposable income....but it means nothing, if you're not living a life of purpose.

I have the vision. I've proven my integrity. Time now to pursue not my dream, but my purpose.

Stay tuned.

And...scene.

Melbourne has been a blast. Especially the last 10 days with Amy around. We drink each other up like a rock star in a liquor store. Revelry, debauchery, hooligans, antics and shenanigans. Squared. Unfortunately, her time here in Oz came to an end this morning as I put her on a flying kangaroo (Qantas flight 422) this morning and sent her back to reality. 72 more hours, some apartment cleanup, goodbyes to friends, and I'll be on a plane myself. This Australian chapter will officially come to a close.

Some of the things I will remember...Melbourne, and outlying Victoria. Sydney for a couple days. G'day. How you going? Holdens. Meatpies. Boomerangs. Aborigines. Incredibly expensive import taxes! Kangaroos, wallabies and other marsupials. James and his cigars next door. Great food. Great art. Tim Burton!!! Jack on Fire, Clinkerfield, Urban Creatures, Silverstate Highway, and James from work. Yarra trams and the river. Essendon station. Footy! (Go Saints!) The MCG with Dad, AAMI with Ged, Chris and Damien, and Etihad with Ged. The Lava Lounge. Parliment station that doesn't run anything to Flinders except on weekends. Flinders street station. Matthew Flinders. Southern Cross station. The V-line. Tram 59, 96, 112, and 86. Street performers, like Ganja the Great. The Great Ocean Road. Apollo Bay, Torquay, Angelsea and the ocean. Mt. Dandenong and Mt. Buller. The 12 (really 7) Apostles. Otway national park, and the incredibly scary rainforest skywalk. Dad. Lysterfield lake park. The You-Yangs. Liquorland, ICA, and all the "hotels" that were really bars. The George, Shelby and Phil, Cassie, Mel and the rest. South Melbourne Market, St. Kilda and the beach. The Manly ferry in Sydney. The Establishment. The Ivy. MoVida and Uccello. Nando's, Red Rooster, Hungry Jack and Lord of the Fries. Victoria University, The Rendezvous Hotel, and their bright neon signs. Eureka...the tower and the rebellion. Freshwater Place, PWC, and the Crown. PJ O'Briens and bad fish n chips. Manly beach, Ballarat, and GREAT fish n chips. The Burlesque Bar, The Old Bar, and so many others. Ned Kelly. Kangaroo Rider, Sheila, and Wombat. Universal health care that works. Good wages, good salaries, reasonable taxes, amazing public transit, public art....and more culture on any given street than in the entire southeastern US combined. Almost 5 months in all.

What a cool country. All the culture of Europe without the pretentiousness. Like if you crossed France with Arizona. I learned to distinguish between English, Aussie, and Kiwi accents pretty accurately. 15 hours on an A380 and I'll be back in the US, ready to settle back into my life and be with my family again. Can't wait.

A running list - Leadership

This is a compilation of thoughts on leadership I've periodically updated over the last 5 years. It is by no means comprehensive. It started after lunch one day with a good friend and co-worker (thank you, Mr. Cardoza) and unfortunately only gets updated when I remember it exists and happen to be close to my PC.

It was about 5 years ago that I first had actual employees reporting to me. I previously had matrix-manager roles, where people were temporarily assigned to me for projects or whatever, but this was different. This was the whole enchilada. These were not production-line workers. They weren't flipping burgers, tending a bar, or working a cash register. They were top-level, highly educated, skilled and experienced professionals. Many had at least one masters degree, and none had less than a bachelors. These were the kind of employees I had to set annual goals for, write annual and mid-year reviews for, make salary and bonus decisions for, and unfortunately in a few cases, fire or let go due to business conditions. These were real, seasoned career veterans, some making over 100K per year, and one of them had over 40 years of programming and operations experience with the same company. Some were older than my parents. Intimidating to say the least, for a 31-year-old.

Additionally, these were true knowledge workers. Each had their own area of expertise. Many were left over from major software implementations over the years. Like building maintenance people, but better because they had actually built the building. No wonder they are viewed as high cost. Can you imagine if every house or building built retained the architect as their primary maintenance person?

5 years later, I have not crashed and burned. I haven’t been a superhero, but I’ve done well. At one point, when the economy was still booming, I had almost 50 people, employees and contractors, which I was responsible for. At the peak, 20 of those were actual company employees, and I had three other managers working for me with their own teams. I’ve had to make lots of hiring decisions, and on that, I’m batting about .800. The number of employees reporting to me has reduced, due to my company’s distaste for contractors, dead weight, and the cost-cutting that ensued after the economy crashed. A bad economy will change the climate pretty quickly, if your leadership knows what they are doing. Fortunately for my company, our leaders took action early. Fortunately for me, I was a top performer. If you’re not making money, you can’t spend money on anything but the essentials. That environment gave me the opportunity to separate the wheat from the chaff, so to speak. It sucked, and it has been hard, and lots of hard discussions ensued…but then again, if the right thing to do was easy, everyone would be doing it.

Each one of the points below represents a deep personal understanding, not just something regurgitated from a textbook, MBA class, or HBR article. Each one could be its own blog entry, complete with personal anecdote. An expert is, after all, someone who has made all the mistakes, and I’ve made plenty.

• Those you lead are your subordinates first, friends second

• Lead by example…but remember that example has to be most relevant to the level you’re at. Eisenhower’s daily routine had little in common with the average GI. But front-line officers and NCO’s had a lot in common with the average GI. Don't act like Eisenhower unless you are, in fact, Eisenhower.

• Don’t dilute your authority by getting too close

• Recognize and make the tough decisions

• Don’t hesitate on the decisions that need to be made quickly, and know the difference

• Manage your own insecurities.  

•A good mentor is like a good shrink.

• Be the first to the table with the plan

• Always have a plan (A, B, C, etc.)

• Good, honest, accurate feedback is priceless, and very rare. Very few people have the balls to be completely honest to your face. When they are, encourage it by listening and assessing, and not getting defensive.  But if they are just being a-hole, don't waste your time, and let them know it.  Constructive criticism is easy to identify, and should be welcomed, but pointless criticism is a waste of everyone's time and the learning experience should be re-directed back at the source.

• Don’t fear asking questions, lots of them – in the beginning

• Don’t ask questions late in the game that should have been understood earlier

• Stack the deck in your favor thru effective planning

• Don’t set yourself up for failure by not planning effectively

• Understand the difference between the time for planning and the time for execution

• If you can do something about it, why worry? If you can’t do something about it, why worry?

• Visualize the end early in the game, preferably before your competitors

• Take intelligent risks – work those angels

• Listen to good music – take a break

• Never lose sight of your value proposition. Reaffirm it every day

• Understand your input/value-add/output equation

• Understand the transactional nature of human relations

• You get what you pay for. Italian stucco is better than Mexican stucco just like American code is better than Indian code.

• Only pay for what you need.

• Use praise wisely – only after tangible results that are easy to identify. If results are not obvious than they are probably meaningless.

• Don’t just play the game – transcend it

• Manage to the simplicity on the far end of complexity; master your craft. Rely on the good people that work for you to work through the complexity. But be ready at a moment’s notice to jump into that complexity the minute you suspect something is wrong

• Focus on the critical few first

• Be courageous; Courage is the ability to follow your own principles, even when you are scared to death (see Honor)

• Make no assumptions. Stuff doesn’t happen unless you make it happen. Follow up on everything. Get it in writing.

• There is nothing more valuable than a well-written contract.

• Every meeting, either with subordinates or superiors, is a chance to set expectations. Don’t squander those opportunities, keep expectations high.
•Don't allow operational fiefdoms, unless you don't mind operations usurping creative.

Like I said, this is just a partial list, but a pretty solid reflection of my current views on leadership. Management is a different story for me…complete with a whole list of good fundamentals, blocking/tackling, and other coaching analogies, and will eventually become another blog entry. Please comment freely on the points/thoughts above. One of them mentions the value of good feedback…

Update, 5/30/2013:
•Sweat the details
•Have Honor.  Having Honor means doing the right thing, despite the personal consequences.  
•Master the fundamentals first.  Then have an opinion.
•Once you've found yourself, live so that others may have the same joy.  In other words, give them the luxury of being themselves in a protected environment.  Just don't remove the reality of someday having to leave that environment.
•Remember the rule of three:  Never strike first.  Use words and ideas until you've been struck 3 times and protocol has been followed 3 times.  Have 3 documented cases where you followed the rules designed to protect you.  Then, pound them into submission.  Even if you lose, it's a powerful message.

The park in Airport West

Airport West is a suburb of Melbourne, where I'm working for the time being. No family or friends around means I can spend an inordinate amount of time working. However, I take long lunches because my lunchtime is in the same time zone as dinnertime the previous day for my friends and family back home. It's the best time for me to call home, and the only time slot that I can hear from Natalie and Ethan.

Not long ago I found a public park near the plant. It consists of a footy oval, a cricket oval, a community center, and some playground equipment. At lunchtime on weekdays, it's empty. I discovered it one day after deciding, somewhat randomly, that I wanted to wander back through the nearby neighborhoods instead of heading straight back to the plant after a lunchtime sandwich at Nando's. I felt like exploring, but mainly, I just wanted to take my time. There were no pending meetings to go back for, and it was sunny and cool. So I parked in the empty parking lot facing the footy oval, turned the engine off, rolled down the windows, and just let myself be.

It turned out to be one of those deeply existential moments that happen from time to time. You know, those moments where everything becomes vivid, like a lucid dream. The moments that pierce reality and speak directly to your soul. In these moments, you remember in vivid detail the inputs of all your senses, including your state of mind and what was running through it at the time.

So I took it in, recognizing that moments like this were rare. A breeze was blowing. I could hear the sound of cars on the tollway in the distance and the occasional clacking sound of a commuter train on the nearby Cragieburn line. I could see and hear the gum trees around the field swaying with the breeze. I heard the squeaking of the swings in the playground as they also swayed in the breeze. I recall the cognizance of the fact that I was 9000 miles from home. I felt the warm sun on my bare arm, hanging out the car window, as I stared at the somewhat mundane scene in front of me. Then, I vividly imagined Natalie and Ethan, laughing and playing on that empty playground, half a world away from home. I heard their voices, laughs, and shrieks of joy. For a moment I hugged them and held them close, feeling their little bodies against mine, then putting my hands on their little heads, feeling their hair and then letting them go again to play on the playground. I smelled the scent of the shampoo in their hair, I saw their bright, pure smiles. At that moment I loved them and missed them more than I ever had before. My daughter, and my son.

I know they will grow up. I know they will live their own lives, carve their own paths, account for their own successes and failures. They will listen to me and ignore me, love me and hate me. They will ask why and why not. They will want to know what happened, and what didn't happen. They will think, they will feel, they will remember. They will question, they will conclude, then they will question again.

I can't dictate or force any of that. Like that moment in the park, I can just be. I can lay down a few rules and answer a few questions. But most importantly, I can love and treasure them for being here with me, right now, sharing the journey.

If I died tomorrow, a lot would be left undone. But I could sleep happy, if my children knew and understood how their Daddy felt about them, how deeply he loved them, that day in the park in Airport West, half a world away.