Maybe. I've done some crazy stuff and have the mugshots to prove it. Some days are better than others. Some years are better than others. Like, for example, 2004. Yeah, that was good times. But I digress. I'm in a melancholy place right now. I miss my kids. It's hard dealing with the breakup of my marriage and the prospect of dealing with life as a single person, something I've never really done for any extended period in my adult life. I mean, I did up until I was 24, but 2 of those years I spent D&C-section-4-ing and outside of those 2 years I was always dating and/or girlfriending. Now I've also got to be a single, part-time parent to the 2 most amazing children that don't deserve any of this. I'm facing the biggest void of my life and to be honest, it's scary stuff.
Scary, or one hell of a challenge. Or both. I like a challenge, but I don't want to end up like the Black Knight, sitting (?) there limbless on the bridge, claiming it's only a flesh wound. So yeah, I do think, what could I have done differently? Lots of things, of course, but would they have mattered? I still would have been the same emotional retard. Unfortunately, if I'm going to grow, I'm going to have to weather this one. The adreniline-laced, self-defensive, maniac pace is wound down, now it's time to just clip in and keep the cranks turning.
I do not grieve for the the loss of Her, but for the loss of a her, and mostly for the 10 years that could have been spent elsewhere, growing faster or better. I do not regret, but I do grieve. I also grieve for the loss of myself, the time I spent in a different soul, in costume, disconnected from myself and, worst of all, my family. I grieve for Her, and what she will have to go through, even though it is for the best. Grief is normal when something dies, and it will pass. I really want to spread my wings and fly, but also feel, out of respect for the dead and my own limits, that I should temper my flight path. Besides, I'll probably just hurt myself again if I try to fly just yet. Patience padawan. You are not a Jedi yet. The seperation wounds are still fresh and healing, despite my typical denial. I never let a flesh wound slow me down before, but this is not a flesh wound. Maybe I should listen to this one.
I'm not nuts, I'm human.
You are very human, don't tell yourself otherwise.
ReplyDeleteA wise man once told me "Keep your wings extended."
When you're ready to fly, those wings will be in position.