If you look at the surface, you will never understand.
If you peel back the onion, it starts to make sense.
If you accept the simple explanation, you are likely to be deceived.
If you listen to the cacophony, you will miss the point.
It's easy to hear, it's hard to understand.
Those who whine the loudest have the weakest position.
In fact, those who whine for a living have no platform at all.
Don't listen. Watch.
Don't accept. Do.
Don't fight. Love.
Don't worry. Be.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Emotional Terrorism
Emotional Terrorists are not too different from real terrorists. They use deceit, stealth and lies to attack those that unintentionally make them feel inferior, for whatever reason. Bottom line is, they themselves feel inferior because they themselves are lacking somewhere, and rather than look into their own souls, rather than take the high road, rather than use what millions of years of evolution have given them, they blame others. This makes sense. Terrorists are ignorant, and incapable of self-reflection. They just react, instead of thinking, like a human. They are like animals, but smart ones. But rather than react to everything with blatant anger, (at least most of us have evolved beyond that approach) they react in sneaky, dishonorable ways to attack the thinking ones, the one that make life better and are interested in progress and evolution. Evolution is a threat to their existance, so they fight it. But that's the point...they are only capable of reaction.
They have names...usually followed with an four-letter word muttered under your breath. They are the ones you hear about that are incapable of decent, intelligent human interaction, but rather turn everything into a fight or reason to pursue or promote their agenda. They can't just exist and collaborate. They can't accept the fact that others may have differences of opinion. They can't give AND take, they just take. They have to fight and destroy. It's their way, and it's just primitive. They can't appreciate and embrace others, and realize the power of the synergy found in differences. Sometimes they claim to embrace the "straight and narrow", whatever that means. Mostly, it means their version of the straight and narrow. My way or the highway. They want a simple world, where everyone is an easily understandable homogenous blob of similarity. Sound familiar? Makes sense if you are a drill seargent or a football coach...but in the complicated real world of human relationships, where the long term effects matter and there is more than a single objective, (i.e., beyond this season or the next hill) you have to take a more sophisticated approach, and engage and involve those higher skills we have been given. But they don't see that. They only see the here and now, that which is immediately in front of them. Admirable as a skill, absolutely, but not as a strategy. Effective tactics, extrapolated and re-branded as a strategy can only be used for power, and that is just tyranny.
Well screw that. Me and mine may lose this battle, but I ain't buying it.
It took me awhile to realize that terror is terror, whether emotional as in a relationship, or real, as in a palestinian bomber. The consequenses may be vastly different, but in principle, it's the same. I wish I lived in a world where basic rules were respected universally and we could all interact intelligently. But, as I and the world have learned, there is no negotiating, no discussion that is possible with true terrorists. It's like dealing with animals. And animals, like terrorists, have no rules. They are barely alive, and though they may be functional, they are still animals. They take the easy route. They do whatever makes sense in the moment, long term consequenses or strategy be damned. They are too weak to educate or be educated. They give their kids (or constituents) candy to shut them up, rather than engage them. They perpetuate dependence, which, ultimately, is a form of power.
Now, to be clear, I don't mean to imply that there is some group of "others" out there that go around all day with "Emotional Terrorist" t-shirts and club jackets and just exist to cause havoc. Roll with me folks, it's just an archetype. Therefore, unfortunately, we are all capable of displaying this type of behavior.
If we allow ourselves to. (But then, that's the point, right?)
I used to fight with people that were like this or displaying this behavior. I used to argue, and not take it. I would fight back. I now just ignore it. Because unlike real suicide bombers, emotional terrorist attacks only hit their mark if you let them. They thrive on your reaction, and if you don't give it to them, they will just go away. That's why the wise are cautious as to who they let into their lives. They know emotional terrorists are everywhere. That's why people that are open books are so vulnerable to attack. And it's also why this open book has closed, except to a special few.
They have names...usually followed with an four-letter word muttered under your breath. They are the ones you hear about that are incapable of decent, intelligent human interaction, but rather turn everything into a fight or reason to pursue or promote their agenda. They can't just exist and collaborate. They can't accept the fact that others may have differences of opinion. They can't give AND take, they just take. They have to fight and destroy. It's their way, and it's just primitive. They can't appreciate and embrace others, and realize the power of the synergy found in differences. Sometimes they claim to embrace the "straight and narrow", whatever that means. Mostly, it means their version of the straight and narrow. My way or the highway. They want a simple world, where everyone is an easily understandable homogenous blob of similarity. Sound familiar? Makes sense if you are a drill seargent or a football coach...but in the complicated real world of human relationships, where the long term effects matter and there is more than a single objective, (i.e., beyond this season or the next hill) you have to take a more sophisticated approach, and engage and involve those higher skills we have been given. But they don't see that. They only see the here and now, that which is immediately in front of them. Admirable as a skill, absolutely, but not as a strategy. Effective tactics, extrapolated and re-branded as a strategy can only be used for power, and that is just tyranny.
Well screw that. Me and mine may lose this battle, but I ain't buying it.
It took me awhile to realize that terror is terror, whether emotional as in a relationship, or real, as in a palestinian bomber. The consequenses may be vastly different, but in principle, it's the same. I wish I lived in a world where basic rules were respected universally and we could all interact intelligently. But, as I and the world have learned, there is no negotiating, no discussion that is possible with true terrorists. It's like dealing with animals. And animals, like terrorists, have no rules. They are barely alive, and though they may be functional, they are still animals. They take the easy route. They do whatever makes sense in the moment, long term consequenses or strategy be damned. They are too weak to educate or be educated. They give their kids (or constituents) candy to shut them up, rather than engage them. They perpetuate dependence, which, ultimately, is a form of power.
Now, to be clear, I don't mean to imply that there is some group of "others" out there that go around all day with "Emotional Terrorist" t-shirts and club jackets and just exist to cause havoc. Roll with me folks, it's just an archetype. Therefore, unfortunately, we are all capable of displaying this type of behavior.
If we allow ourselves to. (But then, that's the point, right?)
I used to fight with people that were like this or displaying this behavior. I used to argue, and not take it. I would fight back. I now just ignore it. Because unlike real suicide bombers, emotional terrorist attacks only hit their mark if you let them. They thrive on your reaction, and if you don't give it to them, they will just go away. That's why the wise are cautious as to who they let into their lives. They know emotional terrorists are everywhere. That's why people that are open books are so vulnerable to attack. And it's also why this open book has closed, except to a special few.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Fresh start
Ah, life is good. Got a new job (same company) a few weeks ago, and with it came a new team, and a new focus on software...my old passion. I managed to avoid the layoffs (yay!) and land in a spot where I can really thrive. Also, I figured out how to refinance the house, make the bills, and just hang on until this damn economy improves. The last links to my old life are gone, and the new one has begun. Amy is 9 weeks away from graduation, we have a beautiful thing going, and I can't wait for us to be husband and wife...like we should have been all along.
I started riding again, after a couple months off. Not nearly as much as I have in the past, but it's a start. Amy has her eye on a 16-inch Fetish Seduction which should give her something easier to pedal than my Nomad, which she currently rides. An XL, 33 pound, 6-inch travel bike probably isn't the best for your average 5'6" female, but she loves it...and will that much more when she gets something sized for her. And I can't think of anything more appropriate for her than a black Fetish Seduction. I have an old set of Crossmax SL's that will look great on it...
I started riding again, after a couple months off. Not nearly as much as I have in the past, but it's a start. Amy has her eye on a 16-inch Fetish Seduction which should give her something easier to pedal than my Nomad, which she currently rides. An XL, 33 pound, 6-inch travel bike probably isn't the best for your average 5'6" female, but she loves it...and will that much more when she gets something sized for her. And I can't think of anything more appropriate for her than a black Fetish Seduction. I have an old set of Crossmax SL's that will look great on it...
Nothing hurts anymore. Getting up, going to work, dealing with kids, dealing with budgets...yeah, it's all trying and challenging, but nothing hurts anymore. The eggshells are gone. No ominous presence anymore to diminish your existence. Heck, even the old, hard mattress is gone, and I sleep better. (We got one of those tempurpedic memory foam mattresses...wow, what a difference...)
But I think the biggest difference is, I feel needed and appreciated. No, scratch that. I just feel engaged. The time I spend with my kiddos now is so much more involved. Heck, I'd rather take 50% custody and all quality time with my kids than to have stayed married to the ex and have maybe 10% quality time because mom and dad had so many issues to deal with. Would the kids really have suffered less had we stayed together? Doubt it. Yeah, it's not ideal, but its the best we could give them. I hope they understand that, and don't fall victim to the "life templates" that their mom and dad fell victim to. Now, I've got the rest of their childhoods to teach them how to listen to the gods and follow their own path, and not someone else's. Granted, there will be opposition, but they'll figure it out. As long as there is a voice of reason in their lives. As long as I'm around.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Integrity
...is saying what you do and doing what you say. It's quite simple, actually. I can accept if you're a kid, and you don't really have the capability to commit to anything yet. I understand kids whining and moaning if they don't get their way, as long as you, as a parent, remind them that it ain't gonna work with you.
But if you're an adult, and you can't back up your words, or the expectations you have set for yourself with others, then you better expect the consequenses. People with integrity are all around, and if you can't walk the walk, you better not complain when the piper comes calling. The metaphorical checks you write in life will be cashed, especially if they are written to a clan that has standards, and expects results. I can't stand people that are all talk and no action. But then I remember, life is a lot like the playground we all grew up in. And those who cry and whine and run to teacher back then will do it now too. They can't resolve their own conflicts, so they look elsewhere and...for lack of a better term...act like the children they still are. Bottom line - they are still weak, spineless...and scared, just like they always were. So sad.
But then again, the wise do not hold grudges...they just draw conclusions and their metaphorical crysknifes (See "the way of the knife") and move on.
But if you're an adult, and you can't back up your words, or the expectations you have set for yourself with others, then you better expect the consequenses. People with integrity are all around, and if you can't walk the walk, you better not complain when the piper comes calling. The metaphorical checks you write in life will be cashed, especially if they are written to a clan that has standards, and expects results. I can't stand people that are all talk and no action. But then I remember, life is a lot like the playground we all grew up in. And those who cry and whine and run to teacher back then will do it now too. They can't resolve their own conflicts, so they look elsewhere and...for lack of a better term...act like the children they still are. Bottom line - they are still weak, spineless...and scared, just like they always were. So sad.
But then again, the wise do not hold grudges...they just draw conclusions and their metaphorical crysknifes (See "the way of the knife") and move on.
Monday, July 6, 2009
Flagstaff, Vision Boards...
Amy and I are creating a vision board. It's one of her assignments for class, but also something we discussed as a joint venture. Just write down what we wanted and put it in a prominent place in the house, as a daily reminder to help us stay focused on what we valued. I know it sounds cliche, but it's turning into a fun project, partially because of how different our ideas of a vision board are. My idea was a medium sized dry-erase board in the breakfast nook with bulleted lists and roughly sketched project plans. Hers? Where to begin...magazine cutouts, quotes, one-word retirement plans, references to household projects, (including a menu for the irish pub we plan to open...someday...) The main takeaway here? retirement plans. The one word? Flagstaff.
We left Phoenix on Thursday after work and school, hooked up the mothership, picked up April, and headed north. This was the 4th of July weekend, but Flag has a no-fireworks ordinance, so we didn't plan to see any. In fact, I'm not even sure it being the 4th of July weekend is relevant here, because it could have been any weekend. But the kids were all with the exes that weekend, so we had a rare long weekend to ourselves and decided to take up April on her offer to go hang out with her and Nick, where Nick has an apartment that he uses on weekends. Nick is a part-owner of a business up there that does most of it's business on weekends (take a guess what it is, but there is a stage and his employees work mostly for tips) so he lives in the valley during the week in the house April rents a room from. I took my Nomad, optimistically hoping I'd have an opportunity to ride, but it didn't happen unfortunately. Too much to do, too much to see.
We picked a camp spot just up the road from the cattle guard on Shultz Pass road, near the creek and secluded. The usual camp site was occupied by people I didn't recognize in the dark as we drove by, but had K or any of the other regulars been there, we would have camped there. Anyhoo, after erecting the mothership, we headed back into town to hang out with April and Nick at "The Joint" and relax for awile.
The Joint is an interesting place. It's the only place of it's kind in Flagstaff, and as such, it can do well without a lot of capital investment. But, like all clubs like that, it's an awesome place for people watching, which Amy, April and I eagerly took part in. And the subjects were not too bad to look at (I've seen better) but the interactions between the employees and the patrons was priceless. It's fun people-watching from your own VIP corner of a club were the drinks are free and the view is uninterupted.
I've been to a handful of strip clubs in my time, and the interaction there, the "value transaction" is unique. For 10-40 dollars, a man (or a woman, for that matter) can get 5-10 minutes of uninterupted attention, adoration, appreciation, and general ego-boosting by a semi-naked woman that is most likely way out of the patron's league in the looks department. (Author and present company excepted, of course...)
I've never been the type to really "get" that interaction...I mean, I see it, but I feel weird participating in it. A good friend (thanks Mike) replied quickly, ""Oh, well, you're gay then".
Uh, no. Amy will vouch for that. But nice try dude. Not that there's anything wrong with that...
In fact, that weekend, the only one who paid for lap dances was Amy. I will admit though, knowing her, it truly was from the artistic perspective. But it was fun to watch.
So I have to ask, why do these places exist and thrive? I would venture, from the male perspective, it's because there is a general lack of appreciation in society for the need to value, love, adore and appreciate your spouse or significant other. I would further venture that a lot of that is brought on by the judeo-christian belief in God-centeredness, (which leads to church-centeredness) posession-centeredness, self-centeredness, or the myriad other centerednesses (is that a word?) that distract from the people in your life that actually deserve and need your attention. I'm sure the most active patrons at "The Joint" (meaning, the ones spending the most money) are the ones with the biggest gaps in their soul.
Let's face it, most people are needy.
If you have decided to set up a mutually-beneficial domestic arrangement (commonly known as marriage) that doesn't take into account the higher needs of the human pshyche (beyond air, food and shelter) you are potentially caging a soul and setting yourself up for failure. Some people (Surprise!) have evolved beyond the need for just food, air, shelter and social acceptance. They need constant intellectual stimulation, challenges, and goals...as well as recurrant reminders of love, appreciation and adoration. Why? At the risk of sounding like a Eugenics supporter, is it because these are the advanced members of the species, the Darwinian genetic experiments, and they deserve it, just as much as the more normal members of society deserve respect for thriving without needing to really try?
If you are "normal", are you are not evolving?
If you are "high-maintenence", are you merely a natural genetic experiment?
Whoa...where was I going? Oh yeah, back to Flagstaff...
I don't think it's really a matter of evolution, tribal superiority, whatever...I think it's more a matter of individual integrity. In other words, it doesn't matter why "we" do what we do, it matters why "we as individuals, disinct from the masses" do what we do. Being true to yourself matters more than conformance. Conformance at the expense of the individual equates to social disaster, on any level...family or nation.
Carl Jung argues that the individual...outside the dictates, doctrine, or dogma of the State or the Church, is what must be respected and the only true indicator of what is "real". I've chased other people's dreams or ideals. I've been in a place where I feel comfortable with myself, as dictated by others and as long as I was living by the rules or dictates of some organization that defined what was real or acceptable. But at the end of the day, that was an infantile state; a feeling of security based on what the outside environment could provide. Like the paradise of childhood...no real responsibility, and no reckoning for who or what was going to pay for my existence. Just follow these rules, be this way, and you will be safe.
In other words, not my reality. I lived in someone else's. Shame on me.
Do I value what prophets and preachers, kings and presidents say? Sure. As long as it makes sense and its well thought through, conceptually and fiscally. And, as long as I don't think they are bullshit artists.
We left Phoenix on Thursday after work and school, hooked up the mothership, picked up April, and headed north. This was the 4th of July weekend, but Flag has a no-fireworks ordinance, so we didn't plan to see any. In fact, I'm not even sure it being the 4th of July weekend is relevant here, because it could have been any weekend. But the kids were all with the exes that weekend, so we had a rare long weekend to ourselves and decided to take up April on her offer to go hang out with her and Nick, where Nick has an apartment that he uses on weekends. Nick is a part-owner of a business up there that does most of it's business on weekends (take a guess what it is, but there is a stage and his employees work mostly for tips) so he lives in the valley during the week in the house April rents a room from. I took my Nomad, optimistically hoping I'd have an opportunity to ride, but it didn't happen unfortunately. Too much to do, too much to see.
We picked a camp spot just up the road from the cattle guard on Shultz Pass road, near the creek and secluded. The usual camp site was occupied by people I didn't recognize in the dark as we drove by, but had K or any of the other regulars been there, we would have camped there. Anyhoo, after erecting the mothership, we headed back into town to hang out with April and Nick at "The Joint" and relax for awile.
The Joint is an interesting place. It's the only place of it's kind in Flagstaff, and as such, it can do well without a lot of capital investment. But, like all clubs like that, it's an awesome place for people watching, which Amy, April and I eagerly took part in. And the subjects were not too bad to look at (I've seen better) but the interactions between the employees and the patrons was priceless. It's fun people-watching from your own VIP corner of a club were the drinks are free and the view is uninterupted.
I've been to a handful of strip clubs in my time, and the interaction there, the "value transaction" is unique. For 10-40 dollars, a man (or a woman, for that matter) can get 5-10 minutes of uninterupted attention, adoration, appreciation, and general ego-boosting by a semi-naked woman that is most likely way out of the patron's league in the looks department. (Author and present company excepted, of course...)
I've never been the type to really "get" that interaction...I mean, I see it, but I feel weird participating in it. A good friend (thanks Mike) replied quickly, ""Oh, well, you're gay then".
Uh, no. Amy will vouch for that. But nice try dude. Not that there's anything wrong with that...
In fact, that weekend, the only one who paid for lap dances was Amy. I will admit though, knowing her, it truly was from the artistic perspective. But it was fun to watch.
So I have to ask, why do these places exist and thrive? I would venture, from the male perspective, it's because there is a general lack of appreciation in society for the need to value, love, adore and appreciate your spouse or significant other. I would further venture that a lot of that is brought on by the judeo-christian belief in God-centeredness, (which leads to church-centeredness) posession-centeredness, self-centeredness, or the myriad other centerednesses (is that a word?) that distract from the people in your life that actually deserve and need your attention. I'm sure the most active patrons at "The Joint" (meaning, the ones spending the most money) are the ones with the biggest gaps in their soul.
Let's face it, most people are needy.
If you have decided to set up a mutually-beneficial domestic arrangement (commonly known as marriage) that doesn't take into account the higher needs of the human pshyche (beyond air, food and shelter) you are potentially caging a soul and setting yourself up for failure. Some people (Surprise!) have evolved beyond the need for just food, air, shelter and social acceptance. They need constant intellectual stimulation, challenges, and goals...as well as recurrant reminders of love, appreciation and adoration. Why? At the risk of sounding like a Eugenics supporter, is it because these are the advanced members of the species, the Darwinian genetic experiments, and they deserve it, just as much as the more normal members of society deserve respect for thriving without needing to really try?
If you are "normal", are you are not evolving?
If you are "high-maintenence", are you merely a natural genetic experiment?
Whoa...where was I going? Oh yeah, back to Flagstaff...
I don't think it's really a matter of evolution, tribal superiority, whatever...I think it's more a matter of individual integrity. In other words, it doesn't matter why "we" do what we do, it matters why "we as individuals, disinct from the masses" do what we do. Being true to yourself matters more than conformance. Conformance at the expense of the individual equates to social disaster, on any level...family or nation.
Carl Jung argues that the individual...outside the dictates, doctrine, or dogma of the State or the Church, is what must be respected and the only true indicator of what is "real". I've chased other people's dreams or ideals. I've been in a place where I feel comfortable with myself, as dictated by others and as long as I was living by the rules or dictates of some organization that defined what was real or acceptable. But at the end of the day, that was an infantile state; a feeling of security based on what the outside environment could provide. Like the paradise of childhood...no real responsibility, and no reckoning for who or what was going to pay for my existence. Just follow these rules, be this way, and you will be safe.
In other words, not my reality. I lived in someone else's. Shame on me.
Do I value what prophets and preachers, kings and presidents say? Sure. As long as it makes sense and its well thought through, conceptually and fiscally. And, as long as I don't think they are bullshit artists.
That Flagstaff weekend ended as it began...undocking the Mothership in the parking space next to the house. We had a blast. Every minute with Amy is an awakening, a reminder that I have so much yet to learn, but that I am so valued by the gods that I am given so much. Screw the Church and the State. I am what I am, and being true to that is the greater contribution.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Mountain biking is still fun
It's a blast actually. One of my passions. One of my passions that I have been neglecting lately, however. Of course, getting back together with Amy and every day now waking up with the mutual realization that you are with the love of your life can be distracting. But now that we're settled, back in our groove and working with the reality of raising 4 kids together, life is different. For one thing, there is joy in the mundane. Simply making dinner together, feeding the kids, doing the dishes, putting the kids to bed, then sneaking into the bedroom for really mind-blowing sex trumps the need to be anywhere else. But, that being said, I have recently gotten back on the bike after about a 3 month hiatus. Here is what is different now:
-I am a slow sack of crap. But I still love it. I suffer more for less gain, but the thrill, rush, attraction, whatever you want to call it, is still there. Knobby tires on dirt. Love it.
-Biking is not an escape now. It's true recreation. I still ride for me, but me isn't crying out for more pain, suffering or other feelings to drown out the suffering in other parts of my life. No more compartments to navigate, no more shifting gears when I get home. Life just is.
-I don't care about the "scene" anymore. I am sometimes riding solo again, and now I remember why I got into the sport in the first place. It's liberating for the soul, but that only works if your soul is in the right place. I sometimes wonder how I got into this sport, the initial fitness curve being what it is, but then I remember; true love.
-I think about Amy and my kids when I ride. How lucky I am. I don't need the trinkets on my handlebars reminding me I have little ones at home. They are there with me. I'm not shutting out parts of my life by riding, I'm embracing all of it, the "oneness" of everything now. It's hard to explain, but it's better now.
Life is fun. Yes, there is still the lingering grief over the death of my first marriage, the occasional reminder that things are not what they used to be, and that bittersweet nostalgia for the past. But that joy I used to extract from dancing with singletrack has now superimposed itself on every facet of my life. Getting up in the morning next to the love of my life and feeling that excitement that the new day brings is very similar to that feeling I get when I first start turning the cranks on a trail I am excited about. Like riding National. You don't know what's going to happen, but you know it's going to be good, because it's her, and she's never gonna let you down. Why? Because she knows what she wants, and isn't afraid to ask for it. She can commit. She has integrity. She never played games, and though others played with her, she stayed true to herself. She had the strength to take action and get a divorce, after giving her marriage all she could, even if it meant working for nearly minimum wage. She had the strength to educate herself and get her degree, magna cum laude from ASU, even while raising 2 kids. She had the strength, and still does, to put it all out there, day after day, even of no one cared. Well now someone cares. Now she has someone that did the same, day after day, even when no one cared. Now she has someone with the strength to take action and be honest with themselves and others.
This is the foundation I wanted, this is how I wanted it to play out. I may be far from perfect, but the gods sure dealt me a sweet hand. I knew this journey would lead somewhere, and for awhile I thought I knew where it was leading...but then I got rudely reminded that I should have listened to my initial instincts, the ones that started the original journey and that periodically come back to remind me to keep turning those cranks. But, as Stu predicted, I got bitten by one of the bottom-feeders, right out of the gate. Learning experience, or re-learning, for sure. But as Amy says, everyone before, for both of us, was a stepping stone to the right place. So once that got re-aligned I was ready. It's funny, both Amy and I went through the same experience at approximately the same time. We put it all out there for someone that claimed to want it but we both eventually found out that they were full of shit. And we both had the same initial instincts about them that we didn't follow. Crazy. Do we hate them? No, not even close. Pity? Nope. We just look at them as fellow souls seeking the same thing we needed, just haven't found it yet. Our advice? Be true. Be available. Quit blaming others. Be willing to step it up. Amy and I did that, and as much as it hurt at times, here we are. If you can't commit 100% to those 4 things, get out of the game. You're lying, and you're just hurting others.
I am convinced that true love is possible, that soul mates exist, and that that old addage about becoming the person you want to marry, getting yourself ready, is true. I would add though, that "becoming" does not mean "sell yourself out". I am also convinced that that person is often closer to you than you think. Every time I get on the bike, there is somewhat of a psychological homecoming of sorts. A connection to good feelings that I have experienced my entire life. Amy provides a similar connection, and every time I am with her, I am reminded of who I am, where I came from, and where I'm going. I'm a crazy, inexplicable Celtic/Castillian mix that only she understands. My brother Stu said he did nothing special to "find" Angie. He was just true, available, accountable, and willing to act. After all that, he says he was just extremely lucky to have found and married Angie. Good job, little bro.
Tangent alert.
I think things happened for a reason, for them and for Amy and I. One thing we all did was to release religion and embrace spirituality. (The difference? Religion is for people that are afraid of going to hell. Spirituality is for people who have been there) We jumped off that train and started down our own path. That path is not entirely pre-set, but neither is it entirely up to us. Do the gods reward integrity? Hypocrisy is chaotic, and there is plenty of chaos in the universe. Maybe there is some connection. Ha, easy trap to fall into.
Well, you can stake that claim
Good work is the key to good fortune
Winners take that praise
Losers seldom take that blame
If they don't take that game
And sometimes the winner takes nothing
We draw our own designs
But fortune has to make that frame
We go out in the world and take our chances
Fate is just the weight of circumstances
That's the way that lady luck dances
Roll the bones
Why are we here?
Because we're here
Roll the bones
Why does it happen?
Because it happens
Roll the bones
Faith is cold as ice
Why are little ones born only to suffer
For the want of immunity
Or a bowl of rice?
Well, who would hold a price
On the heads of the innocent children
If there's some immortal power
To control the dice?
We come into the world and take our chances
Fate is just the weight of circumstances
That's the way that lady luck dances
Roll the bones
(End of tangent.)
Amy says the only constant in life is change. I agree with that, but also believe that underlying that change are a few constants that only you can define for yourself. For me, that is my biking, my family, and my Amy. They are the three things in life that have never betrayed me or let me down. And that's why all three are still fun.
-I am a slow sack of crap. But I still love it. I suffer more for less gain, but the thrill, rush, attraction, whatever you want to call it, is still there. Knobby tires on dirt. Love it.
-Biking is not an escape now. It's true recreation. I still ride for me, but me isn't crying out for more pain, suffering or other feelings to drown out the suffering in other parts of my life. No more compartments to navigate, no more shifting gears when I get home. Life just is.
-I don't care about the "scene" anymore. I am sometimes riding solo again, and now I remember why I got into the sport in the first place. It's liberating for the soul, but that only works if your soul is in the right place. I sometimes wonder how I got into this sport, the initial fitness curve being what it is, but then I remember; true love.
-I think about Amy and my kids when I ride. How lucky I am. I don't need the trinkets on my handlebars reminding me I have little ones at home. They are there with me. I'm not shutting out parts of my life by riding, I'm embracing all of it, the "oneness" of everything now. It's hard to explain, but it's better now.
Life is fun. Yes, there is still the lingering grief over the death of my first marriage, the occasional reminder that things are not what they used to be, and that bittersweet nostalgia for the past. But that joy I used to extract from dancing with singletrack has now superimposed itself on every facet of my life. Getting up in the morning next to the love of my life and feeling that excitement that the new day brings is very similar to that feeling I get when I first start turning the cranks on a trail I am excited about. Like riding National. You don't know what's going to happen, but you know it's going to be good, because it's her, and she's never gonna let you down. Why? Because she knows what she wants, and isn't afraid to ask for it. She can commit. She has integrity. She never played games, and though others played with her, she stayed true to herself. She had the strength to take action and get a divorce, after giving her marriage all she could, even if it meant working for nearly minimum wage. She had the strength to educate herself and get her degree, magna cum laude from ASU, even while raising 2 kids. She had the strength, and still does, to put it all out there, day after day, even of no one cared. Well now someone cares. Now she has someone that did the same, day after day, even when no one cared. Now she has someone with the strength to take action and be honest with themselves and others.
This is the foundation I wanted, this is how I wanted it to play out. I may be far from perfect, but the gods sure dealt me a sweet hand. I knew this journey would lead somewhere, and for awhile I thought I knew where it was leading...but then I got rudely reminded that I should have listened to my initial instincts, the ones that started the original journey and that periodically come back to remind me to keep turning those cranks. But, as Stu predicted, I got bitten by one of the bottom-feeders, right out of the gate. Learning experience, or re-learning, for sure. But as Amy says, everyone before, for both of us, was a stepping stone to the right place. So once that got re-aligned I was ready. It's funny, both Amy and I went through the same experience at approximately the same time. We put it all out there for someone that claimed to want it but we both eventually found out that they were full of shit. And we both had the same initial instincts about them that we didn't follow. Crazy. Do we hate them? No, not even close. Pity? Nope. We just look at them as fellow souls seeking the same thing we needed, just haven't found it yet. Our advice? Be true. Be available. Quit blaming others. Be willing to step it up. Amy and I did that, and as much as it hurt at times, here we are. If you can't commit 100% to those 4 things, get out of the game. You're lying, and you're just hurting others.
I am convinced that true love is possible, that soul mates exist, and that that old addage about becoming the person you want to marry, getting yourself ready, is true. I would add though, that "becoming" does not mean "sell yourself out". I am also convinced that that person is often closer to you than you think. Every time I get on the bike, there is somewhat of a psychological homecoming of sorts. A connection to good feelings that I have experienced my entire life. Amy provides a similar connection, and every time I am with her, I am reminded of who I am, where I came from, and where I'm going. I'm a crazy, inexplicable Celtic/Castillian mix that only she understands. My brother Stu said he did nothing special to "find" Angie. He was just true, available, accountable, and willing to act. After all that, he says he was just extremely lucky to have found and married Angie. Good job, little bro.
Tangent alert.
I think things happened for a reason, for them and for Amy and I. One thing we all did was to release religion and embrace spirituality. (The difference? Religion is for people that are afraid of going to hell. Spirituality is for people who have been there) We jumped off that train and started down our own path. That path is not entirely pre-set, but neither is it entirely up to us. Do the gods reward integrity? Hypocrisy is chaotic, and there is plenty of chaos in the universe. Maybe there is some connection. Ha, easy trap to fall into.
Well, you can stake that claim
Good work is the key to good fortune
Winners take that praise
Losers seldom take that blame
If they don't take that game
And sometimes the winner takes nothing
We draw our own designs
But fortune has to make that frame
We go out in the world and take our chances
Fate is just the weight of circumstances
That's the way that lady luck dances
Roll the bones
Why are we here?
Because we're here
Roll the bones
Why does it happen?
Because it happens
Roll the bones
Faith is cold as ice
Why are little ones born only to suffer
For the want of immunity
Or a bowl of rice?
Well, who would hold a price
On the heads of the innocent children
If there's some immortal power
To control the dice?
We come into the world and take our chances
Fate is just the weight of circumstances
That's the way that lady luck dances
Roll the bones
(End of tangent.)
Amy says the only constant in life is change. I agree with that, but also believe that underlying that change are a few constants that only you can define for yourself. For me, that is my biking, my family, and my Amy. They are the three things in life that have never betrayed me or let me down. And that's why all three are still fun.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Captured Moments
Semi-darkness. Lighting. The eyes. Hazel-green dowsed with wisdom, 17 going on 50. Red hair. The smile.
I'm the same as I never was.
But I'll never be the same.
Her temperament, her demeanor; So complex, yet so easy to navigate. And I know complex...I know myself. Soon, I will know her again.
Together, we 6...I work tomorrow, and work I will. For we 6.
And the joy and power of building a kingdom is back. A kingdom, and not just a cold grey fortress. A beautiful, vibrant kingdom made beautiful by what she brings.
Made beautiful by the moments we capture.
I'm the same as I never was.
But I'll never be the same.
Her temperament, her demeanor; So complex, yet so easy to navigate. And I know complex...I know myself. Soon, I will know her again.
Together, we 6...I work tomorrow, and work I will. For we 6.
And the joy and power of building a kingdom is back. A kingdom, and not just a cold grey fortress. A beautiful, vibrant kingdom made beautiful by what she brings.
Made beautiful by the moments we capture.
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